Wales v France: The Beauty & Cruelty of Sport

I once read an interview with a sports reporter who said that when trying to come up with an opening for a piece he would ask himself "what would be the first thing I'd say to a mate in the pub who hadn't seen the game?", then start with that. That sounds like a sound method so I'll try it now in talking about the Wales v France game:

Bollocks.

It's a doosey of a game to try and write about, it ran the gamut of what makes sport so gloriously, irrationally brilliant, and how it can be so coldly cruel. I was going to debate the issue of the red card, but I've changed my mind, every Welsh fan has the rest of their rugby-watching lives to do that. People say it ruined the game, but I want to talk about what made the game great.

My favourite sportswriter, Simon Barnes, wrote that sport can be great in three main ways. There's the visceral, tribal excitement of watching 'your' team beat 'your rivals' team, derby games where the match is a proxy for years, decades, even centuries of conflict and enmity; Liverpool v Manchester United, Red Sox v The Yankees, India v Pakistan in cricket, and everything else. Sport can also be great when it surprises us with performances that transcend all our expectations; Usain Bolt's 9:58sec 100m, Senna's first lap at Donnington in '93, Don Bradman's carreer test batting average of 99.94, things which make us question what is possible. Finally, sport can also be great just for pure drama, giving us stories worthy of any page, stage or screen. This is what we saw on Saturday.

Going into the game Wales were favourites, not overwhelmingly though; their inexperience could undo them, France are always unpredictable customers and this is a world cup semi-final, knockout rugby, a small, anomalous moment can change everything.

The anticipation for every Welsh fan was palpable; if we just keep on playing as we have done, we'll have them beat and be in the final, our first ever final. Crazy stuff! They were 80/1 to win before the tournament! Their warm-ups hadn't lit the world up and there were a lot of questions about some of the younger, untested players. But nevertheless they found themselves on the brink of making history at Eden Park.

You sometimes hear people refer to games in sport as "fairytales" or "Hollywood stories". In fairytales and Hollywood a story starts with a setup, or equilibrium, as it's sometimes called. This is where the audience is presented with the 'natural' state of the world we are watching; there's a beautiful princess living contently in a kingdom and is in love with a handsome prince, Sam is running a small 'cafe' in Casablanca, trying to avoid the war that's raging, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the leader of a special ops unit who need to go into the jungle to take out some terrorists. In the context of Saturday's game; Wales are the in form team, favourites to beat the opposition (the French, so often the villains in Hollywood films) and reach the final of the World Cup. The game starts, James Hook kicks the first points and Wales take the lead, it was all going according to plan.

The drama then comes when the equilibrium that we're presented with is upset for some reason, this is usually referred to as the conflict, an unanticipated challenge for our protagonists which will force them to go through major changes. The princess is kidnapped by a troll so the prince must fight to save her, Sam's old flame and her Nazi-fighting lover turn up at the cafe looking for assistance forcing him to question his values, Arnie's actually fighting something unknown and much more dangerous than terrorists, forcing him to change the mission. For Wales this major conflict came when they lost their inspirational captain and one of their stand-out, irreplaceable players; Sam Warburton.


Now the team must dig deeper than they ever thought they would be asked too. They must change their plan for the game and their style of play. They all have to give more to make up for the missing man. Do they have the energy? Do they have the fortitude? Do they have the hearts and minds to fight back and win? These are the questions asked of them as they are pushed further and tested harder than ever before.

In stories this is where the protagonists learn about themselves as they adapt and grow and change. As a result of this conflict and the change in the characters we get a resolution to the story. In fairytales and Hollywood this is usually happy; The princess is saved by the brave prince and they live happily ever after, Sam realises he's still human and helps his old lover and her new lover to escape, doing his bit to fight the Nazi's, Arnie learns about his enemy, defeats him and escapes the jungle.


In our resolution Wales are trailing by a point after a valiant effort with 14-men, but manage to win a penalty with minutes left in the game. Halfpenny, the young full-back, steps up to take it. He stares at the posts, they're 50 metres away, a huge kick, but one that will win them the game and take them to the World Cup final. He lines the ball up and takes a few steps back. He stares at the ball and the posts, his mouth is dry, the sounds of the stadium recede, they're replaced by the rhythmic pounding of his nervous heart. He thinks back to his time as a young boy with his grandfather, practicing kicks on a valley's pitch on a cold day. The tension, the nerves, the enormity of the task disappear. All that's left is the simple purpose and the simple motions that he's practiced thousands of times. This is his calling. He approaches the ball, his foot swings through in a slow-motion arc and connects sweetly with the ball. As it flies through the air camera flashes explode like a thousand shooting stars and the breath of every person watching is held. The oval ball tumbles through the night air, end over end, carrying with it the hopes of a nation. Closer and closer it gets, closer and closer the final starts to feel, then it...

...falls short.

The ball doesn't reach over the cross bar, the young man doesn't fulfil his destiny, the team don't reach their final, the country doesn't celebrate. The game goes on, the points don't come, the final whistle goes, it's all over. Fade to black.

That's the story, that's the drama; setup, conflict, resolution. This time the resolution was not a happy Hollywood ending for Wales. It feels like a sad, empty, unjust, gutting ending to what had been an incredible and romantic journey.

But there are stories within stories; beginnings, middles and ends, within beginnings, middles and ends. The story of 'the tackle', within the story of 'the red-card', within the story of the 'the game', within the story of 'the tournament', within the story of 'Welsh rugby'. It keeps on going, all stories within a larger narrative. Wales will go on from here, carrying with them the changes they went through during the game and the tournament, and move on to the next story. First up is a 3rd place play-off against Australia, which I'll bet will provide a better spectacle than the final, then, of course, a six-nations next year where there will be new stories.

Well I've looked at the six nations schedule for next year, so how about this for one. The men from Wales, still with that hurt which burns like acid in their guts, go to the six-nations with one hell of a point to prove.

They start with a replay of the World Cup quarter final, a game against Ireland. There are flashbacks to 5 months ago in New Zealand, thoughts of a World Cup, the outcome of which shook them to their cores. After a nervy first half they manage to bury the memory of that tournament and come out to seal a vital and tough away victory to those ruddy, gnarly Irishmen, which they then follow up with a bruising encounter with the Scots. Next up, England, away. If they win this then they will be 3 for 3 and on course for a Grand Slam. It's a pulsating encounter as a reshaped and revived England team match them in so many areas, but Wales, trailing by 4 points with minutes to go, are taken over the try line by their ferocious captain, Warburton. Jubilation. They go on next to face Italy at home, which leaves one game. France.

Les Blues travel to the Millennium stadium on March 17th, almost 5 months to the day when they inflicted a cruel defeat on a young Welsh side. The afternoon is bitterly cold, but the stadium is fiery with passion and purpose. Shorn of their nutty Terry Thomas lookalike coach, Lievremont, an ambitious French side, also with 4 wins from 4 and playing for the Grand Slam, turn up. The game is fierce and close, as the rugby flows between crunching tackles and fearsome defence, it's the game we were all denied in the World Cup semi-final. There's minutes left on the clock, Wales trail by one point, they get a penalty in front of the posts 50 metres out, the Grand Slam is within touching distance. Leigh Halfpenny steps up. The kick is lined up, he is ready, the stadium simmers into silence, we're all back in Eden Park. The young man approaches the ball, his foot connects. The oval ball tumbles through the air, end over end, heading towards the posts, carrying with it the hopes of a nation. Closer and closer it gets, closer and closer the grand slam feels, then it...

The agony and the ecstasy of sport. Let's start the next story.

Rugby Star In Short Person Shocker

The Best Sub-Headline...

Or How I learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Sun's Headline Writers

This must surely be the second best headline that's going to come out of the World Cup after "Welsh Wonder Williams Wins World Cup".

Andy Powell, surely you're not going to let England win the 'most debauched post-match' competition, which as we all know is what rugby is really about?

Get the golf buggy, we're going for a ride...

New Zealand Controversy And What It Really Means

One of the sideshows in the build up to the Rugby World Cup has been the not-at-all-tedious subject of shirt colours. England and Wales both revealed black away kits, this prompted some pompous whining from New Zealand about some sort of divine right to be the only team allowed to play in black. While their traditional black shirt is undoubtedly one of the iconic kits in sport, up there with Brazil's all yellow and Barcelona's claret and blue football shirts, it doesn't give them a right to claim a monopoly on a colour. But I do have some sympathy for them as the shirt is not only iconic, they were also the only team to always play in black...

...except for when they wear this

Yeah, the 'All Blacks' white away kit. Something England could have whined over "We're the only team to play in white and our shirt is just as important to us as yours is to you." but they didn't, because it would have come across as churlish and petty. So why did New Zealand, a nation with such rugby stature, react this way? I believe it's indicative of a deeper problem that goes to the root of why they've gained the reputation as 'chokers'.

I'd like to inject this caveat here before I continue; I have a lot of love for New Zealand, I've visited the country and found it to be one of the most incredible places I've ever been to, with people who are friendly and accommodating to a fault. I'm also a huge admirer of the All Blacks. Any rugby fan who doesn't enjoy watching them play with that sublime balance of power and skill is either not a true fan of the sport, or that certain type of joyless fan who believes that the rolling-maul is the pinnacle of rugby skill and entertainment. But no matter how much weight New Zealand amass on the 'I Love You' side of my national fondness scale, they always go ahead and chuck a weight on the 'Oh Piss Off' side.

In spite of their almost continual dominance of the sport (expect when World Cups roll around) they can be surprisingly precious and thin-skinned, and it's not a new occurrence confined to shirt colours. The reaction of some opposition to the Haka, and New Zealand's following reaction to that, is a constant source of amusement to anyone who likes to see grown men have tantrums about dancing.

You wouldn't see Gaving Henson get so
tetchy about dancing!

I understand that the Haka is an important part of the All Blacks, and by extension, New Zealand's culture and identity, so I don't want to offend anyone here. I mean I wouldn't like it if people made mocking statements about Welsh culture and identity.

For example, our right to form sexual congress
with sheep

Personally I think the Haka is great with the way it lays down the challenge to the opposition, and it's much more exciting than how it's actually done...

to: New Zealand Rugby Union

from: Welsh Rugby Union

subject: re: Rugby

Dear Wales,

Fancy a game of rugby?

Kind Regards,

New Zealand

   | Hiya New Zealand!
   |
   | Oh tidy like! Go on then butt. 

   |

   | Nice One, 

   | Wales 

It's an exciting pre-cursor to the game and an entertaining sideshow to the day. So with that praise out of the way and my view of the Haka established (I'M FOR IT! For those of you not following) I can now start to criticise it. Well, not the Haka per se, but what goes on around it. 

There are numerous examples of teams offering some kind of response to the Haka, usually by approaching the All Blacks or by simply standing their ground, a la Wales in 2008...

I was at that game, and while I didn't much care for the crowd chanting while the Haka was being performed, I thought the Welsh response was fantastic. It was quite honestly the best pre-match atmosphere I've ever experienced, as Wales wanted to respect the Haka but also answer the challenge. As Ryan Jones said: 

"We wanted to show it was our stadium, our pitch and our fans and we weren't prepared to give up the ground"

To me this seems like a reasonable and spirited response, although responding by actually winning the game, which Wales lost 26-9, would arguably have been even better. The All Blacks however didn't see Wales response as reasonable at all, and Ma'a Nonu had this to say:

"What the Welsh did wound us up. People back home will have been hurt by what they decided to do. Standing in the way like they did is asking for a fight." 

That last line I think is very telling, "Standing in the way like they did is asking for a fight". So what would be the correct response to the challenge from these rugby Übermensch? Lying down and not fighting? Meek acquiescence? Although even that has been too much for them to bear at times. Maybe the opposition should blow them kisses and shower them in rose petals to show how honoured they are to be graced by the presence of the All Blacks.

"Thank you New Zealand for this 30 point demolition
we are about to receive"

It appears that the All Blacks view themselves as existing somewhere above the messy swamp of 'mortal' international teams, as something more than just a rugby side. And maybe, that's because they are.

New Zealand is the only country in the world I can think of which has its identity so closely intertwined with sport. You mention 'New Zealand', and for most people, I'd wager the first associative thought to pop into their heads would be 'rugby'. No other country is so synonymously linked with a sport.

I was going to say 'Brazil' also is with 'football', but they're
better known for something else. That's right, inequality.

And this deep connection with rugby is something they embrace, and why not, they're bloody good at it! So, when you view the All Blacks in a national context rather than an international rugby context, their defensiveness becomes more understandable. When people 'disrespect' the shirt or 'disrespect' the Haka, they're disrespecting something that is at the very core of the New Zealand identity.

And this, I suspect, is why New Zealand have 'choked' at the last few World Cups. They have had talent in abundance every year since the World Cup started in '87, enough to win it more than the once that they actually have. But these high expectations coupled with a country that takes rugby so, so seriously must create an intolerable pressure on the players, where the failings of the team could be construed as a failing of the country. They're not just representing New Zealand, they are New Zealand.

When I started writing this piece I was working towards a conclusion that said "New Zealand, enjoy your colour, do your dance, but be real and accept that you will not have things your way in the modern professional era". But while writing and considering this piece, I've changed my mind...

"New Zealand, fuck everyone else".

New Zealand, I can't truly understand, even as a Welshman where rugby plays a huge role in our culture and identity, how important the All Blacks, their history and their tradition are to you. But I think you should fight for that iconic shirt and you should fight to keep the respect for the Haka, because with the cynicism of professional sports, everyone knows the price but not the value of such things. But I think that you do.

In fact, go further, show you are the true rugby purists, the ones who only play the game at the highest level because you hold it in the highest regard. You are already the only team not to defile your shirt with a garish sponsor, now ditch that cynical, pointless, nickle-and-diming white away kit. Show that it is possible not to bend to the will of the money masters and to exist with a higher purpose in mind.

And when you do need to fight for these things, when others do things you see as disrespectful to your heritage and legacy, don't belittle yourselves by responding with whiney complaints in the media. It sounds like insecurity and provides your defeated opponents with something to latch on to and hold up as diversion from their loss. You don't need to do this! Your actions on the rugby pitch provide a more forceful and clear reply than any post-match interview could ever offer. Next time a team faces-off to you at the Haka simply turn your backs on them when you're done, retreat into your own strength and then show, over 80-minutes, that they were fools for thinking they could match you.


I didn't mean for this post to get so worthy and 'deep' (or to be such a love letter to New Zealand), I was just going to have a pop at the All Blacks (what can I say, they're a big target and provide lots of opportunities for poking fun at them). But writing it made me consider how rugby has changed and how it continues to do so.

More money comes into the sport each year, and while this may lead to higher levels of athleticism and greater spectacles, it can also crush many of our traditions which are not deemed to be 'profit-making' and which damage the bottom line. This resonates very strongly with me as a Cardiff supporter.

There is only one club side in the whole world that has ever been inducted into the International Rugby Board's Hall of Fame, and that's Cardiff RFC. This is the team that pioneered the modern style of eight forwards and seven backs. This is the team that has supplied more players to the Welsh national side and the British & Irish Lions than any other. This was the club of Gareth Edwards, Barry 'The King' John, Gerald Davies and Cliff Morgan, some of the best there ever were, and in the case of Edwards, maybe the G.O.A.T. It is a club with a glorious history, one that is now sadly just a distant romantic memory.

Cardiff RFC no longer exist as a top-level club. With the introduction of regions as part of the effort to drag Welsh rugby into the professional era, the 'Cardiff Blues' region was created. This team is basically the old Cardiff RFC team with the same players, but rebranded.

Since then the links with that famous rugby institution have been slowly eroded; the kit has moved away from the light blue, inspired by the Cambridge University kit worn by one of Cardiff's earliest players in 1876, (which was used as an alternative to, fittingly for this piece, an all-black kit, but one with a white skull and crossbones on it! They basically wanted to wear a pirate flag! How amazing would that have been?) to a connotation and controversy free dark blue, as a way to appease fans from areas outside of Cardiff. There have been calls to drop the 'Cardiff' prefix to the 'Blues' altogether, shoring it of as much of it's old identity as possible, transforming it from a local club which is part of the city's identity and history, into a sterile and easily transferable 'brand'.

The technical descendent of that great club, Cardiff RFC, who set the world-record for attendence at a club game, with 48,500 watching a derby match with Newport RFC in 1951, with that famous ground in the middle of the city, now play in a tinny grey shed on the featureless outskirts of town in front of crowds of only a few thousand.

And Jesus wept.

Many will argue that the changes to the Cardiff club were necessary, maybe not always desirable, but realistically necessary in the modern era. I guess my reply is, 'have we given up too much for the sake of modernism?'. There are some rugby institutions that have survived and even thrived with the transition, such as the Barbarians and The Lions, and I also believe New Zealand. At this world cup, where hundreds of millions of NZ$ will be made, I hope that the All Blacks can show us how tradition and modernism can combine to create something that is stronger than what has gone before.

So if Wales don't win the World Cup (hint; they probably won't), then I hope New Zealand do, because it will also be a win for the rugby romantics.


Normal banter about sheep-shaggers and boring, boring 5-yard-drive-5-yard-drive-5-yard-drive-win-a-penalty-Johnny-kicks-for-3-rinse-and-repeat England, will resume next week. Thank you.

Rugby World Cup 2011 - Knock-Outs!

So in yesterday's RWC preview I covered the likely qualifiers from the four groups. For those of you too damn lazy to go and look at it, I had the group winners as:

New Zealand, England, Australia and South Africa

And the runners-up as:

France, Scotland, Ireland and Wales

Pretty standard stuff really, no shocks to speak of. But the group stages can forgive lackluster performances and even the occasional slip up, as it's all about the best over four games. The knockout stages though, not so kind. This is where mental fortitude is tested as rigorously as playing aptitude (hi New Zealand 2007!) and where any dog having it's day can topple a feckless giant (hi Australia 2007!). The importance of 'form' begins to waver as smaller variables have larger effects; an intercepted try may not ruin your tournament at the group stage, but it sure as hell can during the knockouts. This is where the World Cup really comes to life.

So in this do-or-die arena what can we expect from the quarter finals?

Quarter Final 1 - New Zealand vs Scotland

New Zealand to win. I don't know what more analysis I can provide. They'll win by a lot, probably. Maybe 20 points. Maybe 30. Actually I suppose there is one thing you can say; if Scotland don't qualify then New Zealand will likely face Argentina, and as both of those two are relatively weak quarter finalists, it may leave the All Blacks ill-prepared for whoever awaits them at the next stage. But probably not.

At least they can join Canada, Tonga and Georgia at Milford Sound.
It really is very nice, and well worth visiting.

Quarter Final 2 - England vs France

We're either going to see England grind out a narrow win by boring France, the officials and every non-English fan to tears, or France having one of those games where they seem to ascend from the realm of mortals and play like Gods, temporarily looking like the greatest team to ever chuck a rugby ball around...

A bit like these fellas (Wales 1971!)

A lot of people are citing England's impressive record against France in the World Cup and the Six Nations, going back to when they turned them over in the semi-finals in 2003, as evidence of them having some sort of psychological edge over the wayward French. But on their bad days a team of badgers have a psychological edge over France, the question is can England pressure them into having one of those bad days, the kind where they all mope around in their own half questioning the pointlessness of rugby and the Sisyphean nature of tournaments. Only a brave or foolish man would try and predict which French team will turn up. Luckily I'm pretty foolish (you should see the bets I've put on for this tournament!), so I'm going to call it for... France. They won't waste all that talent and be dumped out by England again. Surely?

Don't call me Shirley. It's DAME Shirley to you!

Quarter Final 3 - Australia vs Wales

*Groan* I've tried with all my specious reasoning and one-eyed delusion to find a way to convince myself that Wales have got a GOOD chance to beat the Wallabies, but it's just not happening. This view will change the closer we get to the quarter final (assuming Wales haven't undone themselves by losing to Namibia, or reinstating Gareth Jenkins), and by the time we're hearing the anthems being sung I'll be foaming at the mouth proclaiming an 80-point Welsh victory is imminent.

Don't worry, I'll calm down once Australia score
a breakaway try after 5 minutes.

Australia have been looking particularly good recently and Wales just don't look to be on the same level, plus they're not a team to cause too many upsets, they're usually the ones suffering them. I suppose if you're going to go out, better to do so against one of the likely finalists, there's no shame in that. This is what I, sadly, expect to be repeating to myself on October 8th. Thankfully, with these early morning kick-offs I'll be able to get drunk a lot quicker. Ah sweet, sweet alcohol, eases the pain.

Quarter Final 4 - South Africa vs Ireland

This one's going to be tasty. I envisage these two out of form teams having a bloody tear up on the ground, with two grizzled packs of gnarled old forwards clashing in a nasty and brutish fashion, trying to wrestle possession from one another. For those of us who don't mind occasionally seeing a rugby field turn into a battlefield (so that's most of us), it should provide plenty of entertainment.

It's gonna be like this, but with clothes. Sorry ladies,
 and some of the chaps

As for who will win, well South Africa have the best World Cup pedigree of any team since they first entered in 1995, so I'm going to have to go for the Boks. They just know how to win games.


So again, no real surprises with the winners. Perhaps some would pick England over France, which is a fair shout, but apart from that it's likely that the three Southern Hemisphere powerhouses will be competing for those final spots.

I'm going to leave the semi-finals for now and come back to them once the pool stages have played out, when we will know who will actually be playing in the quarters. For the record though, my pre-tournament tip is, boringly, like everyone else's it seems; New Zealand to beat South Africa, Australia to beat France, then New Zealand to go on and win the whole darn thing.

The most fun thing about these sort of predictions is the knowledge that the nature of sport means you will most likely be proven wrong on a few points, and that's when things get really interesting.

Two days to go. I am ready.

Rugby World Cup 2011 - Groups

With the Rugby World Cup 2011 almost upon us (I'm so ready) I had a gander at the different groups and possible qualifying permutations so that I can give you, gentle reader, something to think about and discuss. Or dismiss and ridicule. Whatever, it's your life.

So for those with short attention spans, here's the summary. New Zealand gon' win. There, now you can go back to watching people fall off skateboards or something on Youtube.

Seriously though, this one's worth watching. 

Just keep on reading once you're done

For the rest of you, here's a (slightly) more expansive analysis.

GROUP A - A for 'Absolutely fucked if you're not 1st or 2nd seed'

New Zealand - France - Tonga - Japan - Canada

Oh man. Tonga, Japan, Canada, thanks for coming, I hope you enjoy your brief visit to New Zealand. Check out Milford Sound if you've got time. Silly me, you'll have plenty of time, because you're definitely going out at the pool stage!

But seriously, there's no point speculating; New Zealand and France will go through. Not even France's capricious crippling Gallic indifference will be great enough to undo them against Tonga, Japan and Canada. Surely?

Shirely doesn't care about France, she only cares about Wales!
No, of course she hasn't been there in ages! She lives in the south of France!

So with the two qualifiers sorted, that brings us to the question of who's going through on top. New Zealand are strong favourites, but France have been something of a bogey team for them at previous World Cups, having caused upsets by knocking the favoured All Blacks out with that incredible comeback victory at the quarter-finals in 2007, and in the semi-finals in 1999.

Will it be a case of history repeating itself and France once again refusing to follow the form-book and instead humbling the favourites? Well no, probably not. For one, New Zealand look to be considerably better than France, who in their usual well thought out, sensible, pragmatic way have already announced that the coach leading them into the World Cup will be leaving.

CAPTION NOT REQUIRED

But more importantly, New Zealand won't have that extra pressure of each game being do-or-die, which comes with the later knock out stages. At the group level I think the All Blacks will keep their heads and qualify top, relegating France to second spot. Either way, New Zealand v France on Saturday September 24th is the pick of the pool stage matches.

GROUP B - B for 'Best group to be in'

Argentina - England - Scotland - Georgia - Romania

England's defence coach, Mike Ford, said that England were "probably in the group of death". If he thinks having Argentina and Scotland as your main competititors constitutes a 'group of death', then he's either high or not aware of who else is competing in the tournament.

"Ha ha, I'm sorry, what do you mean 'New Zealand and Australia are
going to be at the World Cup'? What? Oh crap! They're much tougher!"

There's possibly an argument that by being in a comparatively weaker group the team won't be properly tested and hence not prepared for tougher games to come. Interesting, but that ignores the fact that being in a weaker groups has its own considerable benefits like; the players won't be as tired, there's possibly less chance of injury and IT'S REALLY BLOODY EASY FOR ENGLAND TO GET TO THE QUARTER FINALS.

For the record I like Argentina and they are most definitely not the whipping boys of years gone by, but Wales dispatched them handily only a few weeks ago and I expect England to do much the same. As for Scotland, they might be able to engineer good victories over England in the 6 Nations, but I think the psychological difference that comes with a World Cup, i.e. there's bigger fish to fry, will enable England to beat Scotland too. So basically, England to finish top of Group B.

As for second place, well I can't see Georgia and Romania being in the mix, although apparently the popularity of rugby has grown significantly in both countries, which is great to hear. So it'll be a tear up between Argentina and Scotland then. This one's a tough call. I suspect this particular match, in fact this whole group, will be dominated by forward play, and on that basis I think 2nd place will go to... Scotland. Why? I don't know, I don't think there's that much to choose between the two, but I'd like to see Scotland get a bit of luck and do well for a change. A very scientific reason for picking them, I'm sure you'll agree.


GROUP C - C for 'Crikey mate! That's a walk in the park'

Australia - Ireland - Italy - Russia - USA

Australia are unsurprisingly favourites to qualify top of this group, but at first glance it might not seem that easy. Ireland have a pretty good reputation, Italy have come on a long way since their last World Cup, USA aren't terrible and Russia... well I don't know much about Russia, but you can't imagine them being soft.

Basically it's a group which has some well established teams in it. But establishment won't get you out of the group. The fact is Ireland, as shown in the warm-up games, are seriously struggling with a side that has come to rely too much on the genius of Brian O'Driscoll to conjure up tries. It shouldn't be this way, on paper they've got a good mix of hardened old-heads and talented young-tyros. But the team on he pitch recently don't resemble this paper team, and they're not looking too hot going into the tournament.

The next challenger in the group is Italy. I was really, really impressed with them in the last 6 Nations, and their upset of France goes down as my moment of the tournament. But they won't repeat that upset against the much more level-headed, and I think it's fair to say talented Wallabies.

At the bottom we've got USA and Russia, now that's a tasty match up... if we were all wearing global hyper colour t-shirts and this was 1986. But it ain't, so there's not much to say about these two. Although I am interested to see if Russia field a team of pituitary-glands with legs or maybe fifteen Siberian ice giants. We live in hope.

This is my basis for what the Russian team will be like.

So, given prevailing forms, Australia look to be in an even cushier position than England and I'm confident they will walk the group. That leaves Ireland and Italy to scrap it out for second, which I'm going to give to... Ireland. I think when it comes down to it, with the likes of Paul O'Connel, Jamie Heaslip and Brian O'Driscoll, they will have enough strength, talent and grit to get a victory against Italy. Being as it's their last group game it might not be a pretty one, but they'll do enough to get through to the quarters.


GROUP D - D for 'DEATH'

South Africa - Wales - Fiji - Samoa - Namibia

Now this is the group of death. For real. I'm not just saying that as a preemptive attempt to save Wales' blushes if they don't get out of the group, there are four teams here with a genuine chance of qualifying. South Africa, despite their poor form in the Tri-Nations where they fielded weakened sides, are strong favourites. They're one of those teams that seem to be able to turn up to World Cups with fairly unspectacular sides and then go on to do better than expected. A bit like Germany in football.

Less likeable than those cuddly Germans though.

So assuming South Africa do qualify top thanks to a mix of calmness under pressure, hard work, aggression and egregious cheating *Cough* Second Lions Test *Cough*, who will be joining them in the last 8?

The smart money is on Wales, but no one who is smart puts money on Wales. Which explains why I do. Repeatedly. And one of their few consistencies is that they struggle against the Pacific Island teams, especially Fiji and Samoa. Here's a brief history lesson to illustrate my point:

1991 World Cup - Wales lose to Western Samoa and exit at the pool stage
1999 World Cup - Wales lose to Samoa in the pool stages, but qualify from the group
2007 World Cup - Wales lose to Fiji and exit at the pool stage

So yeah, the precedent doesn't look good for Wales, and yet, I'm going to put them down to finish second in the group. I put my hands up now, this is based on little more than blind optimism. Yes they had some pretty good warm up games, but so did Samoa, who recorded a shock 32-23 win over Australia. But if Wales defend and commit themselves like they did against England and Argentina and don't give away possession through aimless kicking (I'M LOOKING AT YOU LEE BYRNE!), which is rugby suicide against these hard running sides, then they can secure second spot.

Come on, you didn't really expect me to tip them to exit the pool stages, did you?

GROUP SUMMARY

So the group winners are (or will be)

New Zealand - England - Australia - South Africa

And the runners up...

France - Scotland - Ireland - Wales

No real surprises or upsets to offer sadly. These eight qualifying from the groups seems to be the consensus. Having all the home nations in the quarter finals would be great, although seeing a couple upsets and an underdog or two get through would be great as well. As long as it's not at the expense of Wales!

Next Part : The Knock Out Stages

Warm Ups

Note: my computer had something of a digital prolapse so I haven't been able to make any new posts for a couple of weeks. All fixed now and I've got a couple of posts saved up so I will be updating the blog more often than once every two months. Maybe even as often as once a week! Wowza!

So after a prolonged rugby (union) drought over the summer we had our parched lips wetted with warm up games, a sample of the deluge that's coming our way in the guise of the World Cup in a couple of weeks. Forms were mixed with some bright spots and a few dark patches for the northern hemisphere teams, and none of them are likely to have cancelled the cleaning lady's summer holiday so she can give the trophy cabinet a dust in anticipation of bringing the Webb Ellis Cup home, or in the case of Scotland, go to Ikea and buy a bookshelf or something to put it on.

They can always use it to store some books instead. Like this one for example.

I watched all the Wales game, but only caught bits and bobs of the other games, so be warned this review will be Wales heavy, for a change.

The Games

The first game saw a fairly dire first half for Wales, as good tactical kicking from England kept the men in red pinned in their own half. England's advantage was helped by Wales' weak scrum thanks to the absense of Gethin Jenkins, Mathew Rees and Adam Jones, as well as the perenial problem at the lineout, which hasn't been good since forever.

This awkward first half for Wales gave way to something of a revival in the second as they outscored their English rivals, with the touted fitness improvement, a product of a tough training camp in Poland, seeming to give them the edge as the game wore on. It wasn't enough to produce a victory, but a narrow loss at Twickenham was probably better than a lot of Welsh fans were expecting.

The second game, at the lazily titled Millenium Stadium, was more fruitful for the boys in black, as Wales played in their cynically pointless black away strip used in times when they play other sides who wear red. So that's just Canada and Tonga then, neither of whom Wales are scheduled to play over the next 12 months as far as I'm aware. Oh Welsh Rugby Union, you scallywags!

Again, the WRU's view of the 'average' Welsh rugby fan.

Thankfully their display showed a little more dignity than the WRU marketing department. The centre pairing of Jamie Roberts and Gavin Henson was looking particularly good with their mix of flair and power. But the rugby candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long and sure enough after about half an hour ol' glass bones Henson broke his wrist and his season was ended prematurely yet again. A real shame as he was looking sharp with all that rugby talent still evident.

"Mr Glass" from Unbreakable, based on Gavin Henson and his comic book shop.

Aside from that unfortunate injury the team performed well, with the scrum more stable and defence in all areas rock solid again. They soaked up the pressure in the first half and ran a few tries in in the second to record a convincing 10 point win.

On the back of a narrow loss and a solid victory against England, Wales went into their final game against Argentina with some confidence, looking to take their warm-up record to 2 out of 3 and obtain that much lauded 'momentum' going into the World Cup. Personally I thought they might be a tad complacent after the England victory, and would possibly come unstuck against a ruddy team who, lest we forget, came 3rd in the 2007 World Cup. Thankfully Wales displayed a new found discipline and focus, and after a fairly turgid, error-strewn first-half, they went on to record another encouraging victory.

The Verdict

From what I've seen of the home nations Wales look to be in the best shape going into the world cup. England appear to have regressed to their  pre-six nations stodginess albeit with a lot of potential, Scotland still can't score tries, and Ireland, a team in which Bruce Forsyth would actually bring down the average age, seem to lack a cutting edge.

Let's not kid ourselves though, Wales are far from faultless; the front-row minus the considerable talents of Gethin Jenkins and Mathew Rees is suspect, Phillips is still well short of his world class best of a few years ago, full-backs appear to be selected according to some sort of names-out-of-a-hat process, and accuracy is to the Welsh line-out what the British government is to a summer crisis; completely absent. 

Welsh line-out accuracy and UK government; missing. If found please return... 
actually, if you find the government, don't bother.

But there are reasons to be optimistic. The back row, flanked by Wales's two brightest young stars, Dan Lydiate and Sam Warbuton, is looking very strong, Roberts and Davies in the centre have formed a good partnership, and in Shane Williams and George North we have two contrasting wingers who score tries for fun. But the most promising development of all has been Wales' overall defensive capabilities; they conceded only 3 tries in three games, while scoring 7, a product of maximum commitment to tackles, an ability to absorb punishment and pressure, and supreme fitness enabling them to sustain this level of competitiveness for 80 minutes. Couple this with a back line which looks to have regained its familiarity with the try line and Welsh fans can feel a warm ray of hope coming from a new horizon.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Wales are in one of the toughest groups in the tournament, facing South Africa, a team they have beaten only once in over a century of competition, Fiji and Samoa, Pacific Island teams who seem to have a knack of unstitching whatever game plan Wales have, and Namibia... Namibia.... Exactly! They'll still do well to get out of the group, but this time, we can be a little more hopeful.

Mike Phillips v Ronald McDonald - The Truth*

* This is 100% NOT the truth.

Another week, another Welsh rapscallion getting into trouble, another load of rumour and hear-say on what actually happened. Here’s what might have (note to lawyers: but definitely did not) happened...

Dwayne Peel’s been struggling to get into the Welsh team, even though Phillips has been out of form for bloody ages. He starts thinking; playing better than the other guy isn’t going to get me in. I need to go… deeper. 

9 months ago he applies for a job in McDonalds under the pseudonym Payne Dweel (I never said he was intelligent). He started at the Bargoed branch, then with that same work ethic that took him to the top of the rugby world (in Wales at least) he managed to work his way up, eventually earning a transfer to the promised land: the Queens Street branch of McDonalds.

The many night shifts he worked were long and lonely, but he persisted, knowing his time would come.

This particular Thrusday night shift started much like any other; Amir was working with his usual robotic efficiency, John was struggling with the child safety cap on the floor cleaner and Nikki wouldn’t respond to his polite, nervous attempts to get to know her better. They had a few post-work, post-pub customers grabbing a bite before going home, and a couple of night-shift workers grabbing a bite on their way to work. A Thursday night shift as unremarkable as any other. Then fate walked through the door.

Mike Phillips approached the counter, bleary eyed, staring at the boards not noticing the well built man with a dodgy stick on moustache and ‘Payne Dweel’ name badge waiting to take his order.

MP: Uh, I’ll have… 2 quarter pounders… 6 nuggets, chips and…. A diet coke.

Dwayne, had been waiting for this moment. 9 months he had spent cleaning up soggy chips, 9 months being abused by valleys numpties and 9 months getting burned by that fucking deep fat fryer. And it was all in anticipation of this moment. He knew what he had to do. He knew what would come next.

PD: Sorry. We’re closing now.

MP: What? You’ve got loads of food left.

PD: We’re closing now. I can’t serve you.

MP: Oh, just give me my food butt.

PD: We’re closed.You'll have to leave.

MP: Look. I’m Welsh scrum-half, this is my town, so you'll give me what I want.

Payne leaned across the counter to make sure Phillips heard every word of what he was about to say:

PD: Not for much longer butt. Now fuck off.

What happened next was a blur, but it involved thrown chips, a smashed Ty Hafan donation box and a 4ft plastic Ronald McDonald being used as a weapon. At the end of it, Mike Phillips was taken away in the police van, while the man called Payne Dweel walked out and made a call.

PD: Mr Gatland. I’ve got some news for you…. It doesn’t matter who I am!... Mike Phillips has been arrested outside McDonalds… What for? For being a dickhead. I hear Dwayne Peel’s free to play though.

Fuck me I’m bored this afternoon.

The Dastardly Duo

A few months ago (okay, many months ago, I've been busy!) I wrote a piece on the wayward adventures of Mr. G. Henson. I speculated that his time at Saracens would not be an explosive return to rugby, but a damp squib. That was more or less the case. What I did not predict though was his transfer to the brash New Money Monty's of European rugby, Toulon in France.

His debut for the French Top 14 side was impressive by all accounts, and even saw him bag his first try. The WRU must have rubbed its hands with glee as the most talked about Welsh rugby player of recent times looked like he might orchestrate a Hollywood tale comeback just in time for the World Cup in September.

What they hadn't banked on (or maybe they had given his history) was that the Hollywood tale would take a turn from Rocky-esque revival, to Raging Bull self-destruction.

Details remain sketchy, with no formal statement about the incident coming from the club. However, according to what has been reported, it is alleged that while celebrating Toulon's 20-9 win over Toulouse in Hyeres, Henson made some disparaging remarks about Johnny Wilkinson and club captain Joe Van Niekerk, and fought with the scrum-half Henjak. He then danced his way out of the bar, into the cool Hyeres night and proceeded to go from door to door, waking the sleeping locals so he could personally insult their humble hair styles and belittle the state of their children's shoes.

Okay, I made that last bit up. But when there is a lack of facts, rumours will fill the void. 

So, back to reality. First off; the mindset where someone criticises their team mates at a NEW CLUB, just after they've WON baffles me. Maybe it's because I don't play professional sports, maybe it's because I'm not socially retarded, who knows. Secondly, what can Gavin 'I only play when I feel like it' Henson criticise Johnny 'more decorated than a Christmas tree' Wilkinson about? How the hell does that conversation go?

Gavin: So why do always breathe out the side of your mouth when you kick? You look like a knob.

Johnny: It's helps my technique

Gavin: What have you ever won with that?

Johnny: The English Premiership, 2 Powergen Cups, 3 Six Nations, 1 Grand Slam, 1 World Cup Runner-Up medal and 1 World Cup Winner's medal.

Gavin: ... Dick.

As things stand Toulon have ended his suspension and brought him back into the club. This makes me question the accuracy of what has been reported in the papers (quelle surprise!). Would they really bring back a player, who must now undoubtedly be unpopular within the team, so close to the end of the season? A player who, if we're honest, they don't really need? I'm not so sure. We might never know the facts, but I don't care. Frankly, I'm bored of hearing about Henson. Unless he scores a hat-trick in each of Toulon's remaining games, then I don't care what he's up to. I would say I won't write about him again, but let's be honest, he provides too much material.

As a footnote to this post on boozy shenanigans, the only man who can challenge Henson for the 'Loosest Cannon' award, Andy Powell, has been getting into mischief again. This one sadly didn't involve a golf buggy, and what actually happened is, again, a mystery. But what we do know is that it involved some sort of assault in a Walkabout. I understand the argument that professional sports stars should be able to lead a normal life, but I would have to advise DO NOT GO TO FUCKING WALKABOUT! You're rich(ish), go somewhere nice. And I don't mean All Bar One either!

Round 1

What a surprise, the events of the first weekend have made me look like an idiot. Luckily I don't have much in the way of conviction and have no problem reneging on every single thing I've said so far. I'd make a great politician, or deadbeat dad.

I never promised Disneyland! I said picnic!

The Friday night game turned out much the way I had feared. This was a huge game for both teams in terms of the confidence and momentum that would be garnered from a win, and a focused and confident England handily beat a rudderless and haphazard Wales.

England have passed the first test with room for improvement, but in a good position nonetheless. Wales, on the other hand, must now do their best to avoid embarrassment and must carry out some personnel changes; Peel in for Phillips, Yapp in for Mitchell, and Ryan Jones in for Powell. 

 Taxi Buggy for Powell!

Saturday first saw Ireland take on Italy in Rome. I didn't watch the whole game because, well, the rugby was pretty poor and I had better things to do. But from reading the reports, Italy appear to have kicked on while Ireland have, er, kicked back? It wasn't quite enough for them to earn their first win over the Irish, but they've shown; a trip to Rome will not be a lovely sightseeing trip and a 2 point formality for any of the teams this year. 

Following this was a much better game, and the pick of the weekend, France versus Scotland. Scotland, who I derided in my preview, have apparently learned where the try line is and its importance in the game of rugby football, managing to cross it not once, not twice, but thrice. Accompanying some barreling breaks from the forwards, most notable of which was professional giant Richie Grey doing his best to recreate scenes from Gulliver's Travels, the Scottish backs played with some real verve and pace. 

Just for clarity; Gulliver's travels is about a philandering ex-baseball 

player who owns a bar populated by an eclectic bunch of regulars in Boston

Unfortunately that was not enough against a French team who had decided they fancied playing rugby last night. For periods anyway. I got the impression they turned off at times, and had they wanted to, no disrespect to the Scots, France could have racked up another 20 points. After a frustrating Friday night and turgid Saturday afternoon, the Saturday evening game in Paris was a pleasure to watch.

On the evidence of this weekend France have cast their marker out farthest, if they can consistently play like that, then they will win the tournament. England are still a good tip for a top two finish, but if Scotland can build on Saturday's performance they might conspire to snatch second. If not they'll probably put up a good fight with Ireland for 3rd spot. Languishing down at the bottom, I'm afraid it'll be Wales and Italy scrapping it out.

Next weekend we've got England in Italy and Wales in Scotland on the Saturday, before France drop in on Ireland on the Sunday. Again, I expect everything I've said to be turned on it's head. Good! Maybe Wales will surprise me!

Six Nations 2011 - Preview

James Hook: "What is the greatest feeling in Rugby?"

Warren Gatland: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, 

and to hear the lamentations of their women!"

Having just about recovered from the period of accepted alcoholism and binge easting that is the entire month of December, it's now time to throw yourself into five booze sodden weekends of rugby with the six nations. 

The tournament is often hailed, even by those down under, as the best rugby tournament in the world, this is in spite of it rarely producing the best rugby in the world, an accolade normally reserved for the tri-Nations. I see the six nations as the raucous drunk C student to the tri-nations serious sensible A student; the southern hemisphere may get more praise for their flawless execution of rugby, but everyone knows the real party is to be had with the often scrappy and occasionally capricious northerners.

If the Six Nations was a man 

What do you expect when you put England, France, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, 5 nations that have at various points over the past several hundred years beat the shit out of each other, in a competition which involves tens of thousand of drunk fans watching 30 guys smash each other about a pitch? Of course it's going to be exciting!

Oh yeah, and Italy too... the Romans were pretty badass... about 2000 years ago.

Italians today

On top of the historical rivalry, it tends to be a rather unpredictable tournament. Over the last 10 years four different countries have shared the championship, with only one team (France) winning it back to back. A good opening game can give an unfavoured underdog the momentum to shock the table and go on to win it, much like Wales did in 2005. 

This year is no different. Most pundits are tipping England or France to take top spot, but no one seems to be unequivocal about this. There is always the caveat that should they have a good start Ireland, and possibly even Wales, could be in the mix. Who knows Scotland might surprise us all. Stranger things have happened.

This man became Governor of California, the 9th largest economy 
in the world. Still less surprising than Scotland winning the 6 Nations.

So doing my best to reign in my delusional Welsh rugby dreams here's my tips for the tournament. In final finishing order:

1. England

Look at his little face!

I sicked in my mouth a bit putting England first. Only joking! I full on projectile vomited over my computer. I remain unconvinced that one very good win over Australia and one good performance against New Zealand in the Autumn is evidence of some bountiful renaissance in English rugby. However, I do think they've got enough power up front and skill in the backs to win the tournament in a year when no one seems to be flying high. On top of that they have 3 home games on the trot, including Scotland and Italy, two opportunities to perhaps give their points difference a big boost. I don't think it'll be a Grand Slam for them though; their final game is against the Irish at Lansdowne Road, and even with the momentum of four wins propelling them, I think Ireland will slam the brakes on - Champions by virtue of points difference. And probably cheating at some point (I can't help myself!)

2. France

Carla Bruni, You know she's the Lady Macbeth type, but I'd still like 
to kick 3 points through her posts. Wait... What?

To say the French are unpredictable is the biggest cliche in international rugby. But it's true, they are. They've got plenty of talent blah blah blah, kerrrr-azy coach blah blah blah, Gallic indifference blah blah blah, Inspector Clouseau. Fuck 'em, they'll inevitably render any of my carefully thought out analysis null and void so I'll keep it simple; beat everyone but England, lose out on top spot through points difference, someone will be dismissed from the team before the end of the tournament.

3. Ireland 

I'm not saying the Irish are dull, but... they knock down 
a stadium, build a new one, and expand the capacity by... 
2,000 seats. What's the point?

It was tough to pick the winner of 3rd spot but I'm opting for Ireland. The core of their team is getting so old they can probably use free bus passes to get to the grounds and save money (have you seen the state of Ireland's economy?!). But there are some hardened winners and exciting young prospects in the side, Leinster are in storming form in the Heineken Cup and with the two toughest teams, England and France, at home, they should be able to take 3rd spot. 

4. Wales 

Welsh rugby fans; more guilty of nostalgic denial than Joan Rivers FACE!

Oh my darling. Why do you languish down here? Well it's because you lost your two most important players (Adam Jones and Gethin Jenkins) to injury, thus diminishing the power and penetration of a pack that was a match for the best in the world in the Autumn. Jones and Jenkins are probably the only two players in the Welsh squad that you could call 'world class' at the moment. They are excellent scrummagers who also put in a lot of work in the loose, and in both attack and defence their contribution is massive. Beyond that, the rest of the team looks pretty good on paper, although Phillips could do with getting his shit together and it would be good to have Halfpenny on the wing with Williams. But the backs will not win the tournament for Wales. The Grand Slam victories of 2005 and 2008 were not built on flashy play from the backs but from imperious endeavor from the forwards, battling at every breakdown to win quick ball releasing the backs to do their thing. They should improve as the tournament goes on and some players come back from injury, but I don't think this will be their year... unless we beat England then it's Grand Slam 2011 all the way!

5. Scotland

If the current style of Scottish rugby could be summed up in a colour... 

Every year people talk Scotland up, making reference to some victory in the past 12 months, talking about how they've 'turned a corner' and that they could be dark horse contenders this time. Then they finish in the bottom half of the table. They have a few good players, but their club game is still weak and they lack the invention to really cause good opposition to think. If they beat England, France or Ireland I suspect it'll be in a ground out 9-6 upset. Nothing wrong with grinding out a win, except it's often indicative of team's lack of creativity and ability to really take the opposition apart. "You can shove your creativity up Shane Williams dancing arse, I'll take a ground out win over England, rather than a high scoring loss any day" you say. Well fair enough, so would I, but it doesn't change the fact that Scotland's best chance  against the top 3 comes from stopping them playing completely rather than taking the game to the opposition and dictating things on their terms. Until that changes, Scotland won't be serious contenders.

6. Italy

They stop Wales coming bottom so often 
and Rome is a lovely place to visit.

Still the whipping boys.  They've got two tough home games against Ireland and France and I think Wales should do enough to get a victory in Rome. Bottom and the wooden spoon this year. God, I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the arse.

So there it is, balls on the line, that's what I think might happen. I fully expect  to be proven wrong on every single thing I've written. I wouldn't mind that, it would certainly keep things interesting. 

For anyone questioning my Welshness after placing them fourth, you should bear in mind that at 7:44 on Friday evening, just after Wales have sung Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau in the Millenium Stadium, I'll be 100% convinced we're going to sweep aside all before us and effortlessly complete another Grand Slam.

Game on!