The Dastardly Duo

A few months ago (okay, many months ago, I've been busy!) I wrote a piece on the wayward adventures of Mr. G. Henson. I speculated that his time at Saracens would not be an explosive return to rugby, but a damp squib. That was more or less the case. What I did not predict though was his transfer to the brash New Money Monty's of European rugby, Toulon in France.

His debut for the French Top 14 side was impressive by all accounts, and even saw him bag his first try. The WRU must have rubbed its hands with glee as the most talked about Welsh rugby player of recent times looked like he might orchestrate a Hollywood tale comeback just in time for the World Cup in September.

What they hadn't banked on (or maybe they had given his history) was that the Hollywood tale would take a turn from Rocky-esque revival, to Raging Bull self-destruction.

Details remain sketchy, with no formal statement about the incident coming from the club. However, according to what has been reported, it is alleged that while celebrating Toulon's 20-9 win over Toulouse in Hyeres, Henson made some disparaging remarks about Johnny Wilkinson and club captain Joe Van Niekerk, and fought with the scrum-half Henjak. He then danced his way out of the bar, into the cool Hyeres night and proceeded to go from door to door, waking the sleeping locals so he could personally insult their humble hair styles and belittle the state of their children's shoes.

Okay, I made that last bit up. But when there is a lack of facts, rumours will fill the void. 

So, back to reality. First off; the mindset where someone criticises their team mates at a NEW CLUB, just after they've WON baffles me. Maybe it's because I don't play professional sports, maybe it's because I'm not socially retarded, who knows. Secondly, what can Gavin 'I only play when I feel like it' Henson criticise Johnny 'more decorated than a Christmas tree' Wilkinson about? How the hell does that conversation go?

Gavin: So why do always breathe out the side of your mouth when you kick? You look like a knob.

Johnny: It's helps my technique

Gavin: What have you ever won with that?

Johnny: The English Premiership, 2 Powergen Cups, 3 Six Nations, 1 Grand Slam, 1 World Cup Runner-Up medal and 1 World Cup Winner's medal.

Gavin: ... Dick.

As things stand Toulon have ended his suspension and brought him back into the club. This makes me question the accuracy of what has been reported in the papers (quelle surprise!). Would they really bring back a player, who must now undoubtedly be unpopular within the team, so close to the end of the season? A player who, if we're honest, they don't really need? I'm not so sure. We might never know the facts, but I don't care. Frankly, I'm bored of hearing about Henson. Unless he scores a hat-trick in each of Toulon's remaining games, then I don't care what he's up to. I would say I won't write about him again, but let's be honest, he provides too much material.

As a footnote to this post on boozy shenanigans, the only man who can challenge Henson for the 'Loosest Cannon' award, Andy Powell, has been getting into mischief again. This one sadly didn't involve a golf buggy, and what actually happened is, again, a mystery. But what we do know is that it involved some sort of assault in a Walkabout. I understand the argument that professional sports stars should be able to lead a normal life, but I would have to advise DO NOT GO TO FUCKING WALKABOUT! You're rich(ish), go somewhere nice. And I don't mean All Bar One either!

Gavin Henson - A Modern Day Dick Whittington

 

In London, that great sea, whose ebb and flow
At once is deaf and loud, and on the shore
Vomits its wrecks, and still howls on for more.
Yet in its depth what treasures!

-        Scott Johnson, Osprey’s Head Coach, 2010 (as told to Gavin Henson)

Following months of soul-bearing interviews regarding his family life, as well as murmurings of leaving the Osprey’s, Gavin Henson is now finally on his way from Swansea to London, a story analogous to Dick Whittington who left the shires to see the gold-paved metropolis and reap the fortunes therein.

Dick Whittington also had a cat, I don’t know if Henson has a cat. It’s probably not important.

It seems however that the fame and fortune to be made on the rugby field is not sufficient to appease the ambition of Henson, and only the awesome reputation-enhancing qualities of celebrity reality TV shows will satisfy him. So far he has appeared on two:

The first is ‘71 Degrees North’. This is a show where contestants aim to recreate the accomplishments of John Harrison, who constructed the first marine chronometer allowing ships at sea to establish their longitude (their east/west position). With his extensive knowledge of horology, and experience of long-distance maritime voyages, Gavin succeeded marvellously on the show*.

*Disclaimer – I haven’t seen the show. My explanation of the premise and outcome might be incorrect in some, or all, places.

Two horologists, joined through the ages by the burning passion to master the passing time.

The second is Strictly Come Dancing. Seeing as I’m not my mother, or my nan, I’ve not seen this show. I’ve heard of ‘Line Dancing’ and ‘Square Dancing’ but never ‘Come Dancing’. To learn more I had a quick search for it on Google and was lead to a number of video sites that showed girls performing said ‘Come Dancing’. I’m amazed they show this kind of thing on the BBC at all, let alone before the watershed. And I don’t even want to speculate what Bruce Forsyth’s role is in all of it.

Ban this sick show!

These two endeavours appeared to signal that lady rugby, a sturdy and hard faced mistress, had lost the affections of her perma-tanned lover to the bright lights and botoxed foreheads of television. It seems going to Connacht to play out a 6-3 win in front of 2,500 people on a cold and wet Thursday night no longer holds the allure it once did for Gavin… well it does sound a bit shit doesn’t it?

The man who possessed the best hands in Europe had left us...

Or had he?

The tease!

Of course he hadn’t! Rugby will always be his great passion (after dancing), and just like a brilliant hostage taker he’s kept us guessing about what his next move would be. That move, after a long and at no point tedious saga, turned out to be a transfer to Saracens. 

So once he’s blown away the competition of strict dancers he will return to the world of rugby and reclaim his once held reputation as one of the best and most naturally gifted players in Europe. I believe his future will play out thusly;

1.     Jan 2011 - On a hugely hyped debut for Saracens he will… put in a below par performance because he hasn’t played rugby for a year and a half.

2.     Mar 2011 - In an interview with the respected rugby publication ‘Heat’, he’ll state he’s thinking of quitting rugby… again. This will be news to the board at Saracens.

3.     May 2011 - He will appear on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, on which he will have to artificially inseminate a kangaroo, a koala and, I don’t know, a fucking snake or something. It’ll still be less humiliating than when Scott Johnson put him on as fly-half against Ireland in 2006.

4.     July 2011 - He announces his desire to play for Wales in the 2011 World Cup in New Zealand. Incredibly he gets picked for the 35-man touring squad.

5.     Aug 2011 - The day of departure Gavin decides instead to appear on Celebrity Mastermind, specialist subject; The Work of Italian Post-Modernist Writer Italo Calvino. He loses his place in the squad but comes second on Mastermind.

6.     Sept 2012 - States he wants to play for the Lions on their tour to Australia. despite not playing rugby for a year and a half. Welsh Premiership side Cross Keys offer him an opportunity to play so he can ease himself back into the game and start building towards higher levels of performance.

7.     Oct 2012 - He doesn’t turn up on his first day of training, instead opting to go to the Cardiff auditions for the X-Factor

8.    Nov 2012 - He makes it to the live shows but is eliminated in the first week following a highly melodramatic rendition of Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’, complete with his rugby (and hair) highlights playing on a 30ft screen behind him.

9.    Mar 2013 - Gets kicked in the face by a donkey. I don’t know, these things get harder to predict the further out you go.

He will beg for my mercy, but I will show him none

Contrary to what you may think following this rant, I would love to see him return to rugby and succeed. He has always been a polarising figure, both on and off the rugby pitch. A man with an abundance of rugby skill and nous who could electrify a game and change the course of a match with a deft flick and an insouciant side-step, or alternatively could trudge around the back division showing all the interest of Dale Winton backstage at a Victoria Secret’s show.

The reason we still talk about him though is because we know he has the talent. If he didn’t, if there was nothing more to the man than a succession of bizarre haircuts and shaved legs, then he would have been dismissed at the beginning of his career and consigned to the dustbin of rugby history. But without those occasional displays of true rugby talent how long will rugby fans tolerate him for, and how long will his non-rugby fans care for him if he’s just ‘Charlotte Church’s ex-husband’? Will his foray into the world of TV celebrity wither any appeal he has as people forget about why they took notice of him in the first place?

When Dick Whittington arrived in London he found that the streets where not paved with gold. He had been incredibly naïve about what he thought the bright metropolis would bring him and what would make him happy, and he suffered as a consequence. He was destitute and forced to reconsider what to pursue in life. Will Henson suffer the same fate?

Gavin Henson circa 2013 - Dramatisation

No, he will make a fortune from his cat, which he will send away on a ship (insert joke about pussy and seamen), and go on to be Lord Mayor of London three times. Well that’s what happens in the story of Dick Whittington and I’m struggling to stretch this ropey analogy any further.

So Gavin, my advice to you: Buy a cat. Oh, and start focusing on your rugby again; TV opportunities will be around for a long time, good rugby opportunities will only be around for a couple more years.