Another week, another Welsh rapscallion getting into trouble, another load of rumour and hear-say on what actually happened. Here’s what might have (note to lawyers: but definitely did not) happened...
Dwayne Peel’s been struggling to get into the Welsh team, even though Phillips has been out of form for bloody ages. He starts thinking; playing better than the other guy isn’t going to get me in. I need to go… deeper.
9 months ago he applies for a job in McDonalds under the pseudonym Payne Dweel (I never said he was intelligent). He started at the Bargoed branch, then with that same work ethic that took him to the top of the rugby world (in Wales at least) he managed to work his way up, eventually earning a transfer to the promised land: the Queens Street branch of McDonalds.
The many night shifts he worked were long and lonely, but he persisted, knowing his time would come.
This particular Thrusday night shift started much like any other; Amir was working with his usual robotic efficiency, John was struggling with the child safety cap on the floor cleaner and Nikki wouldn’t respond to his polite, nervous attempts to get to know her better. They had a few post-work, post-pub customers grabbing a bite before going home, and a couple of night-shift workers grabbing a bite on their way to work. A Thursday night shift as unremarkable as any other. Then fate walked through the door.
Mike Phillips approached the counter, bleary eyed, staring at the boards not noticing the well built man with a dodgy stick on moustache and ‘Payne Dweel’ name badge waiting to take his order.
MP: Uh, I’ll have… 2 quarter pounders… 6 nuggets, chips and…. A diet coke.
Dwayne, had been waiting for this moment. 9 months he had spent cleaning up soggy chips, 9 months being abused by valleys numpties and 9 months getting burned by that fucking deep fat fryer. And it was all in anticipation of this moment. He knew what he had to do. He knew what would come next.
PD: Sorry. We’re closing now.
MP: What? You’ve got loads of food left.
PD: We’re closing now. I can’t serve you.
MP: Oh, just give me my food butt.
PD: We’re closed.You'll have to leave.
MP: Look. I’m Welsh scrum-half, this is my town, so you'll give me what I want.
Payne leaned across the counter to make sure Phillips heard every word of what he was about to say:
PD: Not for much longer butt. Now fuck off.
What happened next was a blur, but it involved thrown chips, a smashed Ty Hafan donation box and a 4ft plastic Ronald McDonald being used as a weapon. At the end of it, Mike Phillips was taken away in the police van, while the man called Payne Dweel walked out and made a call.
PD: Mr Gatland. I’ve got some news for you…. It doesn’t matter who I am!... Mike Phillips has been arrested outside McDonalds… What for? For being a dickhead. I hear Dwayne Peel’s free to play though.
Fuck me I’m bored this afternoon.
No comments:
Post a Comment