Autumn Internationals - Full-Time

The truly great and good, in affliction, 

bear a countenance more princely than they are wont; 

for it is the temper of the highest hearts, 

to strive most upwards when it is most burdened.

-Wales Full-Back, Lee Byrne, November 26th 2010

And so we draw to a close another Autumn series. Australia, South Africa and New Zealand return to their upside down homelands with a full compliment of victories against Wales, and Fiji return to their tropical paradise with an admirable draw.

So what happened in the last two games of the series?

The first, Fiji, was played on a Friday. I loathe Friday games, all international rugby should be played at 2:30pm, or if needs be, 5pm on a Saturday afternoon. But the powers that be have chosen to whore professional rugby to that infernal glowing attention sink, the television. And what do we the fans, her true love, get in return letting her be spread and used by the BBC and SKY Sports in any way they see fit? The august wisdom of Brian Moore, Eddie Butler, Stuart Barnes and Will Greenwood.

Thanks collective rugby unions of Great Britain.

Anyway, Fiji. Well I missed the first twenty minutes, as it seems showing Wales play Fiji is not the priority of most pubs in central London on a Friday night. Although the real tragedy was that I saw the next 60 minutes. I have to confess my recollection of the game is spotty at best, thanks to a combination of booze, watching bar maids dance on the tables to AC/DC, and spending more time telling my friends what Wales were doing wrong rather than actually watching the game.

What happened in the 67th minute of the game, from my vantage point anyway.

But, as best as I can remember (in efficient bullet-point format):

• I've seen school teams better organised than Wales.
• Aled Brew, Dan Biggar and Lee Byrne were terrible. Actually, everyone apart from Lydiate was terrible.
• Fiji were pretty fun to watch
• I had a pint spilled over my trousers.

The final result of 16-16 was very disappointing result for Wales. That sounds horribly condescending towards Fiji, who put in a fine performance, but from a Welsh point of view, after a bitter loss to South Africa, we were hoping to have something to celebrate.

It wasn't to be though. This left only one game through which Wales could raise our spirits. Against the All Blacks.

 

Bollocks.

Now New Zealand had experienced a bit of a mixed series by their standards; a not exactly comfortable win over England, then a demolition job of Scotland, then a slightly nervy (for about 50 minutes anyway) win over Ireland. But they still stood with a 3 for 3 win record against, apparently, some of the best that Europe has to offer.

As you can understand I was about as far from optimistic as a scorpion coming face to face with Bear Grylls in the middle of the desert, I was expecting New Zealand to eat us alive... then possibly piss on their shirts and wrap them around their heads to protect themselves from the harsh Cardiff sun... or something.

Bear, you fool! That's going to dry out in about 2 min, then you're just left with a smelly piss rag wrapped around your head!

As it turned out though, Wales did not get eaten alive and the Kiwi's didn't defile their shirts. New Zealand probably played some of their worst rugby of the series, and Wales, in patches, played some of their best. This actually made the game a proper contest for 50-odd minutes, but once again a few lapses in concentration, some dodgey tackling, bad kicking choices (Lee Byrne not finding touch with a penalty when NZ were down to 14 men springs to mind... and then stays there) and an apparent bankruptcy of imagination in the backs, presented New Zealand with ample opportunity to recover from their own occasional short-comings and go on to win the match by 12-points.

It wasn't the humiliation that I'd been expecting, and Wales even managed to record their highest points tally of the Autumn against thew world number ones, but it didn't provide a happy ending to a rough November.

So what did Wales get?

Well apart from beaten, hammered and at times embarrassed (also the components of a good night out in Cardiff) they were given a lesson. Not the modern kind of lesson, where your shortcomings are patiently and kindly laid out for you, so that you can then take steps to rectify them and improve yourself. No, Wales received a more old school lesson; a severe caning in front of a big crowd.

Well, not that big.

While a lesson, which is more or less a form of assault, might make you sit up take note and think about what you've done, it might not actually teach you what to do in the future. And that's my worry. For the 3 losses and 1 shakey draw, will they actually learn anything? Will the centres learn to start running straight and play an inside ball once in a blue moon? Will the forwards learn how a line-out works? Will Tom James learn to play rugby? Will we have any hope in the Six Nations without relying on magic?

The WRU is now hiring Gypsies. Must have experience in spells, curses and Microsoft Office.

The answer is... maybe (apart from the Tom James thing, the answer is a cast iron 'no' on that one). I say maybe because I think there were were some positive aspects. Youngsters like George North and Dan Lydiate accumulated some valuable caps, showing themselves to be supremely ready for the international stage in the process. The scrum, and the front row in particular, is quite formidable and certainly a match for any other in Europe. And, if we allow ourselves to extract positives from the failings of others, no other side really showed that they were the new undisputed king's of Europe. Ireland stuttered, Scotland and England had periods of glorious revival but also experienced some humbling losses, and France, well I didn't see France, but they're France and there's always a chance they just won't turn up to games!

Yes, I have completely retreated into the comfort of Northern hemisphere rugby, the backwards and slightly simple brother to the Southern hemisphere's rugby ubermensch. But that's because it's all European rugby now until the summer, allowing me once again to turn my attentions to the trials and tribulations of the Cardiff Blues. Thank god we've got a bunch of Kiwi's in the side to restore some pride to Welsh rugby! (Hat-tip to GP)

As Welsh as Dylan Thomas using a leek to have his way with a sheep

Autumn Internationals - Half-Time

NOTE: This was written before the game against Fiji on Friday.

So we’re half was through the autumn test series with Wales 2-0 down following losses to Australia and South Africa.

I've been fortunate enough to attend both games so far, although with the WRU’s new ticket pricing structure I had to sell my collection of Max Boyce albums and ma and pa’s caravan in Tenby to pay for one. My reward for this sacrifice was a half-decent seat in the top tier, a perfect vantage point from which to see the many sparsely populated sections of the stadium.

Chernobyl - Still more populated than the south stand for the Australia game

There’s been plenty of sage views on why the ticket uptake has been so poor. Whatever the details are, the general reason is money. Cold hard dirty cash. If tickets are £50+, by the time you’ve added on traveling, a bit of food, booze, it’s easily a £100+ day, and that’s assuming you’re not taking the family along! The monthly budget is being squeezed, and to some people, watching Adam Jones galloping along with his sweaty curly locks flowing majestically behind him, is not as important as eating.
 

This or food. That's your choice.

The decision to put ticket prices up at this time, for people to watch Wales play teams they are, if we’re honest, likely to lose to, displays an incredible lack of understanding on the part of the WRU of the fans they’re selling to.
 

Typical Welsh rugby fan according to the WRU

But that’s the small business side of things, what about the big business side, what about the rugby?

1st Test - Australia (16 - 25)

The first test was decided by Australia's backs, who were simply too good for Wales. There was some admirable defending from some of the Welsh backs, but when they had the ball they never seemed to really test the Aussies. The one truly bright point for Wales was the performance in the scrum, where they obliterated an admittedly weak Australian pack, but sadly they lacked the same sort of dominance in the line-out, Wales’ perennial Achilles heel. The score was not an embarrassment (as some recent ones have been), and with a few breaks it would have been closer, but to say that Wales deserved a win would be pure one-eyed fan delusion, Australia were the better team and deserved the victory.

2nd Test - South Africa (25 - 29)

Lordi dordi, where to start? Well the beginning is usually best. The atmosphere was an improvement on last week largely thanks to the roof being closed, and I couldn't hear myself singing during the anthems, which is a bonus. But following a rousing rendition of the anthems, Wales started the game by quickly conceding 3-points to the Boks. At this I sank down in my seat a little and thought to myself ‘here we go again, another romp home for South Africa’. But then, as if guided by the spirit of Gareth Edwards himself (he’s capable of astral projection), Wales took control of the game, repeatedly puncturing the flimsy SA defense and going on to cross the try line twice. Would you believe it, they finished the half 17-9 up! 
 

What a tremendously riveting first half. I am greatly anticipating the second half.

At half-time I dared to dream... 

I was in the unfinished stadium 11 years ago when Wales recorded their first and only victory against South Africa, was I about to witness another one of those oh so rare occurrences? In another 40 minutes would we be dancing and signing in the bars around Westgate Street and St. Mary’s Street, united by a triumphant joy borne from an inspired victory over those hard men, the current world champions, South Africa? Would we drink late into the night, recounting and reliving the tries that had been scored, talking of George North’s incredible debut and whatever drama and excitement would come in the second half, bringing ecstasy to our hearts starved of victory and volume to our voices withered by defeat?

Would we fuck.

South Africa came out with that hard nosed winning mentality back in place and smashed Wales off the park, achieving a quite remarkable come back. Those Welsh fans who are desperate, and or in denial, will point to questionable refereeing decisions, lacking a bit of luck or the need to just have a couple more kicks go over as reasons for the loss. But really, deep down, Wales lost it mentally.  It was as if being rather comfortably ahead and outplaying one of their bogey teams was too incredible to be true, the discipline started to slip, crazy passes started to be chucked about and little penalties began to crop up. 
 

"GWWWARRRGGH" - Translation; I'm rather keen to win this game

This is not to denigrate South Africa’s comeback, it was truly remarkable, but I can’t help but feel that the game was Wales to lose, and they threw it away. It’s as if they don’t believe they’re allowed to beat the Southern Hemisphere sides convincingly, if at all. In contrast England lack this psychological enfeeblement, they don't see themselves as a second rate side, which they have been for the last few years. As a result they stuffed Australia, weren’t too far behind against New Zealand, and if they finish the first half 17-9 up against South Africa next weekend, I’ll bet all the Brains beer in Wales they wont go on to lose the game.

Okay I take that back, I bet all the Worthington in Wales. We don’t want it anyway, it’s shit beer.

So where do we go from here? A shaky (but hopefully entertaining) win over Fiji, then a convincing win by New Zealand is most likely. Especially if the latter play like they did against Scotland. Mercy!

Gavin Henson - A Modern Day Dick Whittington

 

In London, that great sea, whose ebb and flow
At once is deaf and loud, and on the shore
Vomits its wrecks, and still howls on for more.
Yet in its depth what treasures!

-        Scott Johnson, Osprey’s Head Coach, 2010 (as told to Gavin Henson)

Following months of soul-bearing interviews regarding his family life, as well as murmurings of leaving the Osprey’s, Gavin Henson is now finally on his way from Swansea to London, a story analogous to Dick Whittington who left the shires to see the gold-paved metropolis and reap the fortunes therein.

Dick Whittington also had a cat, I don’t know if Henson has a cat. It’s probably not important.

It seems however that the fame and fortune to be made on the rugby field is not sufficient to appease the ambition of Henson, and only the awesome reputation-enhancing qualities of celebrity reality TV shows will satisfy him. So far he has appeared on two:

The first is ‘71 Degrees North’. This is a show where contestants aim to recreate the accomplishments of John Harrison, who constructed the first marine chronometer allowing ships at sea to establish their longitude (their east/west position). With his extensive knowledge of horology, and experience of long-distance maritime voyages, Gavin succeeded marvellously on the show*.

*Disclaimer – I haven’t seen the show. My explanation of the premise and outcome might be incorrect in some, or all, places.

Two horologists, joined through the ages by the burning passion to master the passing time.

The second is Strictly Come Dancing. Seeing as I’m not my mother, or my nan, I’ve not seen this show. I’ve heard of ‘Line Dancing’ and ‘Square Dancing’ but never ‘Come Dancing’. To learn more I had a quick search for it on Google and was lead to a number of video sites that showed girls performing said ‘Come Dancing’. I’m amazed they show this kind of thing on the BBC at all, let alone before the watershed. And I don’t even want to speculate what Bruce Forsyth’s role is in all of it.

Ban this sick show!

These two endeavours appeared to signal that lady rugby, a sturdy and hard faced mistress, had lost the affections of her perma-tanned lover to the bright lights and botoxed foreheads of television. It seems going to Connacht to play out a 6-3 win in front of 2,500 people on a cold and wet Thursday night no longer holds the allure it once did for Gavin… well it does sound a bit shit doesn’t it?

The man who possessed the best hands in Europe had left us...

Or had he?

The tease!

Of course he hadn’t! Rugby will always be his great passion (after dancing), and just like a brilliant hostage taker he’s kept us guessing about what his next move would be. That move, after a long and at no point tedious saga, turned out to be a transfer to Saracens. 

So once he’s blown away the competition of strict dancers he will return to the world of rugby and reclaim his once held reputation as one of the best and most naturally gifted players in Europe. I believe his future will play out thusly;

1.     Jan 2011 - On a hugely hyped debut for Saracens he will… put in a below par performance because he hasn’t played rugby for a year and a half.

2.     Mar 2011 - In an interview with the respected rugby publication ‘Heat’, he’ll state he’s thinking of quitting rugby… again. This will be news to the board at Saracens.

3.     May 2011 - He will appear on I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, on which he will have to artificially inseminate a kangaroo, a koala and, I don’t know, a fucking snake or something. It’ll still be less humiliating than when Scott Johnson put him on as fly-half against Ireland in 2006.

4.     July 2011 - He announces his desire to play for Wales in the 2011 World Cup in New Zealand. Incredibly he gets picked for the 35-man touring squad.

5.     Aug 2011 - The day of departure Gavin decides instead to appear on Celebrity Mastermind, specialist subject; The Work of Italian Post-Modernist Writer Italo Calvino. He loses his place in the squad but comes second on Mastermind.

6.     Sept 2012 - States he wants to play for the Lions on their tour to Australia. despite not playing rugby for a year and a half. Welsh Premiership side Cross Keys offer him an opportunity to play so he can ease himself back into the game and start building towards higher levels of performance.

7.     Oct 2012 - He doesn’t turn up on his first day of training, instead opting to go to the Cardiff auditions for the X-Factor

8.    Nov 2012 - He makes it to the live shows but is eliminated in the first week following a highly melodramatic rendition of Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’, complete with his rugby (and hair) highlights playing on a 30ft screen behind him.

9.    Mar 2013 - Gets kicked in the face by a donkey. I don’t know, these things get harder to predict the further out you go.

He will beg for my mercy, but I will show him none

Contrary to what you may think following this rant, I would love to see him return to rugby and succeed. He has always been a polarising figure, both on and off the rugby pitch. A man with an abundance of rugby skill and nous who could electrify a game and change the course of a match with a deft flick and an insouciant side-step, or alternatively could trudge around the back division showing all the interest of Dale Winton backstage at a Victoria Secret’s show.

The reason we still talk about him though is because we know he has the talent. If he didn’t, if there was nothing more to the man than a succession of bizarre haircuts and shaved legs, then he would have been dismissed at the beginning of his career and consigned to the dustbin of rugby history. But without those occasional displays of true rugby talent how long will rugby fans tolerate him for, and how long will his non-rugby fans care for him if he’s just ‘Charlotte Church’s ex-husband’? Will his foray into the world of TV celebrity wither any appeal he has as people forget about why they took notice of him in the first place?

When Dick Whittington arrived in London he found that the streets where not paved with gold. He had been incredibly naïve about what he thought the bright metropolis would bring him and what would make him happy, and he suffered as a consequence. He was destitute and forced to reconsider what to pursue in life. Will Henson suffer the same fate?

Gavin Henson circa 2013 - Dramatisation

No, he will make a fortune from his cat, which he will send away on a ship (insert joke about pussy and seamen), and go on to be Lord Mayor of London three times. Well that’s what happens in the story of Dick Whittington and I’m struggling to stretch this ropey analogy any further.

So Gavin, my advice to you: Buy a cat. Oh, and start focusing on your rugby again; TV opportunities will be around for a long time, good rugby opportunities will only be around for a couple more years.

I called it! (Almost)

My prediction on Friday: Wales 16 – 24 Australia (ignore the shite I wrote in that Autumn International post)

The actual score: Wales 16 – 25 Australia.

Only one point out! I’m far too excited about almost getting the score right considering Wales lost. Especially seeing as I didn’t put any money on it. 

Autumn Internationals 2010

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."

-Rocky Elsom, Lock, November 2009

Along with the dark nights and recurring inane statements about the cold weather come the Autumn Internationals. A chance for the Titans of the Southern Hemisphere to have a sightseeing trip to Buckingham Palace, Edinburgh Castle, The Guiness Brewery and, um… The Bay?

The Cardiffian equivalent of Vallhallah.

Oh yeah, they also get a few opportunities to add to the ‘win’ column of their country’s ‘win/loss/draw’ record.

Playing the Autumn International series, where Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Argentina and one or two Pacific Island teams play some of the European sides, often seems like an act of masochism for Wales as the big 3 romp home with 10, 20, 30 point margin wins.

But as Warren G is want to point out; you only get better by playing better sides. Plus, it’s a huge money spinner for the WRU!

“New Zealand beat us 3-54” “So what? I can afford a flatdownthebay!”

So with Wales having a few key players out injured (Roberts, Ryan Jones, Byrne, Halfpenny, Gareth Cooper) what does the next month have in store for Wales? 

First up on November 5th, Australia

Miss Australia - Her turn on’s are cultural bankruptcy and taking sport too seriously.

The men from down under visit Cardiff coming off the back of a win against world No.1’s New Zealand. They’re a relatively young side, but one which is starting to come together as a coherent unit with a few exceptional players amongst their ranks. They are however perceived to be weak in the scrum. We ran them close a few years ago, but they hammered us last year. What does that tell you? Nothing. A win is unlikely, but a close game with a good performance would be a good result. Prediction – Wales loss by 15 points

The bullshit trophy they’re playing for – James Bevan Trophy, inaugurated 2007

Next up on November 13th, South Africa

Miss South Africa - Probably cheated her way to victory. I REMEMBER THE SECOND LIONS TEST IN PRETORIA!

They’ve experienced quite the decline since winning the world cup in 2007 and are very much stuck in 3^rd place amongst the Southern Hemisphere sides. If Wales are to taint any one of the big three’s trip across the Severn Bridge, it’ll most likely be the Springboks. But most likely they won’t. Another team, like Wales, with a few players out injured, they’ll probably still cheat enough to win. Prediction – Wales loss by 5 points.

Bullshit Trophy – Prince William Cup, inaugurated 2007

3rd game on November 19th, Fiji

Miss Fiji - Fiji’s highest elevation is 1,324m. Its main export is sugar.

 

Fiji are a selection of players that New Zealand didn’t poach when they were in their teens. The Welsh players better have their neck-insurance up to date for this one. Expect poor defending due to Wales’ complacency and Fiji’s unyielding desire to attack, some egregiously high tackles and some dazzling flair and skill from the Fijians. You can also expect to get much drunker than you planned because this is a Friday night game, which means drinking straight after work on an empty stomach. Silly boy! Prediction - Wales win by 5.

Bullshit Trophy – Matalan-John Menzies Trophy, inaugurated 2010

 

Finally, on November 27th, New Zealand

Miss New Zealand - Cheap shot.

Those atomic powered mechanical men from the world's end, aka The All Blacks. They usually give us a thorough pasting for having the nerve to not immediately touch our noses to the ground following their not-at-all-pompous opening song and dance number. Except for last year! There was only 7-points in it! And we were drawing with them at half-time! Oh, but then they annihilated us when we visited them in the summer. Terribly inhospitable of them. Prediction – Wales loss by 25 points.

Bullshit Trophy – None! How about the Ovis Aries Plate? Something common to both nations.

So yeah, not particularly optimistic for Wales' chances this Autumn, with some key players out injured and the lack of strength in depth to cover those positions well. This does however provide an opportunity to give some of the younger players valuable experience of playing international test rugby against the best in the world, which, in theory, should strengthen the overall squad for the six-nations and the world cup next year.

Now, I’m going to put my neck on the line here with this statement, but, barring some catastrophic moment of madness like getting Gavin Henson to put his Strictly Come Dancing skills to use in offering a reply to the Haka (actually that would be fucking brilliant to watch!) Warren G and the regulators (Edwards, Howley and McBryde) should continue to coach Wales, even if they get hammered in every game. There, I said it.