"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
-Rocky Elsom, Lock, November 2009
Along with the dark nights and recurring inane statements about the cold weather come the Autumn Internationals. A chance for the Titans of the Southern Hemisphere to have a sightseeing trip to Buckingham Palace, Edinburgh Castle, The Guiness Brewery and, um… The Bay?
The Cardiffian equivalent of Vallhallah.
Oh yeah, they also get a few opportunities to add to the ‘win’ column of their country’s ‘win/loss/draw’ record.
Playing the Autumn International series, where Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Argentina and one or two Pacific Island teams play some of the European sides, often seems like an act of masochism for Wales as the big 3 romp home with 10, 20, 30 point margin wins.
But as Warren G is want to point out; you only get better by playing better sides. Plus, it’s a huge money spinner for the WRU!
“New Zealand beat us 3-54” “So what? I can afford a flatdownthebay!”
So with Wales having a few key players out injured (Roberts, Ryan Jones, Byrne, Halfpenny, Gareth Cooper) what does the next month have in store for Wales?
First up on November 5th, Australia
Miss Australia - Her turn on’s are cultural bankruptcy and taking sport too seriously.
The men from down under visit Cardiff coming off the back of a win against world No.1’s New Zealand. They’re a relatively young side, but one which is starting to come together as a coherent unit with a few exceptional players amongst their ranks. They are however perceived to be weak in the scrum. We ran them close a few years ago, but they hammered us last year. What does that tell you? Nothing. A win is unlikely, but a close game with a good performance would be a good result. Prediction – Wales loss by 15 points
The bullshit trophy they’re playing for – James Bevan Trophy, inaugurated 2007
Next up on November 13th, South Africa
Miss South Africa - Probably cheated her way to victory. I REMEMBER THE SECOND LIONS TEST IN PRETORIA!
They’ve experienced quite the decline since winning the world cup in 2007 and are very much stuck in 3rd place amongst the Southern Hemisphere sides. If Wales are to taint any one of the big three’s trip across the Severn Bridge, it’ll most likely be the Springboks. But most likely they won’t. Another team, like Wales, with a few players out injured, they’ll probably still cheat enough to win. Prediction – Wales loss by 5 points.
Bullshit Trophy – Prince William Cup, inaugurated 2007
3rd game on November 19th, Fiji
Miss Fiji - Fiji’s highest elevation is 1,324m. Its main export is sugar.
Fiji are a selection of players that New Zealand didn’t poach when they were in their teens. The Welsh players better have their neck-insurance up to date for this one. Expect poor defending due to Wales’ complacency and Fiji’s unyielding desire to attack, some egregiously high tackles and some dazzling flair and skill from the Fijians. You can also expect to get much drunker than you planned because this is a Friday night game, which means drinking straight after work on an empty stomach. Silly boy! Prediction - Wales win by 5.
Bullshit Trophy – Matalan-John Menzies Trophy, inaugurated 2010
Finally, on November 27th, New Zealand
Miss New Zealand - Cheap shot.
Those atomic powered mechanical men from the world's end, aka The All Blacks. They usually give us a thorough pasting for having the nerve to not immediately touch our noses to the ground following their not-at-all-pompous opening song and dance number. Except for last year! There was only 7-points in it! And we were drawing with them at half-time! Oh, but then they annihilated us when we visited them in the summer. Terribly inhospitable of them. Prediction – Wales loss by 25 points.
Bullshit Trophy – None! How about the Ovis Aries Plate? Something common to both nations.
So yeah, not particularly optimistic for Wales' chances this Autumn, with some key players out injured and the lack of strength in depth to cover those positions well. This does however provide an opportunity to give some of the younger players valuable experience of playing international test rugby against the best in the world, which, in theory, should strengthen the overall squad for the six-nations and the world cup next year.
Now, I’m going to put my neck on the line here with this statement, but, barring some catastrophic moment of madness like getting Gavin Henson to put his Strictly Come Dancing skills to use in offering a reply to the Haka (actually that would be fucking brilliant to watch!) Warren G and the regulators (Edwards, Howley and McBryde) should continue to coach Wales, even if they get hammered in every game. There, I said it.
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